I’ve been swimming in love’s Caribbean blue. Diving down to explore. I’ve found a huge living breathing love reef. I explore the complexity, what clings to my coral, grows on it, decorates it, burrows into it. Yes, that’s me teeming with love fauna. Every piece of my soft underbelly that might break off with time skitters and pulses with love, with life.
The deeper I dive into my truth, my love and my self, the easier it is to swim. I don’t need to come up for air as much. I frolic. I’m like the Whales that have been playing and eating in the ocean off of Redondo.
I dove a little deeper on Friday.
I dove and drove way out of my comfort zone to UCLA. (Have you been down Wilshire Blvd. in Westwood lately? Yikes!) I took a deep breath and swam through the sculpture garden and came up for air in Public Policy.
I was invited to guest lecture. I spoke to 70 + students who majored in Business or Econ.
The class was engaged and asked a lot of questions.
The professor invited me back.
Someone from the humanities department took me to lunch.
She asked if I’d come speak to Humanities, English; if I’d participate in a panel.
As I left North Campus, making that familiar right turn onto Hilgard, I felt a wave of emotion move through me.
I had stepped into a greater appreciation for myself. I realize that for fear of bragging, I’ve diminished some of my accomplishments. I didn’t want to sound like so many people I meet. “And then I did this and then I did that and me me me me me!”
I know that harsh tinny blinding glare–the sharp, pointed light of someone trying to prove something. I read it in newsletters every day. They’re trying to sell me something. They’re me-ing me.
I used to have this friend. She would analyze me. She’d come to my house, step into my office wearing a tool belt complete with hammer, nails, a yellow highlighter and a Freudian textbook. She was ready to analyze, diagnose and repair. Once she told me that I was holding onto extra weight because I was insecure, that I was afraid of intimacy. She was incorrect. I was holding onto extra weight because I had just had a miscarriage.
Here’s the irony, that’s her issue, not mine. Projection.
Interesting. I see her posts on Facebook. We are still “friends” there. I’ve read some of her newsletters. I watch as she bobs on the surface of herself.
My wish for her would be to dive deep. I know that diving deep isn’t all colorful fish and blue waters. Sometimes it’s dark and scary. I’ve gone down and I’ve wondered if there was any life force down there at all. Our strange creatures, anglerfish, and giant squid live deep, their tentacles reaching. Evolution has shaded their eyes
Dive down, come back, open your eyes, see and feel.
I own it. My mistakes. My faults. My history. I take responsibility. If you’ve read my poetry, you know some of it ain’t so pretty.
I think if that old friend were to analyze me today, I’d have a different response. Or I might not respond at all, because sometimes people can’t listen to what might be true. It’s too hard and so they reflect and deflect and project. It doesn’t matter what she’d say or do now or then, that’s the beauty.
All that matters is love. Love of self so you can Love others.
Valentine’s Day Wish
May you turn on your light,
May you dive into your glow
May you shine
May you shine
From the inside out…
From you heart, not from your head.
Love love love
Wrap your arms around yourself and LOVE!
Wishing you a LOVEly Valentine’s Day,
Happy LOVE LOVE LOVE!