That Was Then…This is Fabulous

 

It’s been a year since I started this blog.

My commitment was to put it out there
It, I mean Me…put me out there

I might write something I’m unsure of
Something that makes me feel uncomfortable
Vulnerable
Something that makes me think I’ll be judged
I post it
Float it out there

I’m surprised with the response I receive
positive
a post on Facebook
or an email
thanking me
‘me too, I’ve felt that way too’

with the letting go
I’ve create space
for new friends
new fun
new writing
new perspective
new adventure
new avenues
new ideas
rekindled relationships
exploration
even more love

Space enough for a huge party
Yes, that’s right
I’m planning my BIG birthday party.

FUN
Lists upon lists
Of friends
That grows
Lists upon lists of
menu ideas
Caterers to call
Lists upon lists of what to do next
a backyard barbeque
with Ruffles potato chips and
onion dip
has turned into
a catered event

we’ve planted new grass

A celebration
Fabulous at 50
Maybe that’s what the cake will read

The other day someone asked if Bill and I were going to have children
We smiled.
“We gave it the college try.” I said, my arms around Bill.

“That was a compliment”.  Bill said to me on the way home, “He thinks you’re 40.”

Some years ago, when I was still mourning miscarriages, my best friend from high school had called me.  I wrote about our conversation.

Naomi hadn’t changed.  She was judgmental, tight, nasty.  At her wedding, a weekend affair in La Quinta, she asked me which of her guests I thought was the prettiest.  It’s your wedding Naomi, do you really care? I said or I thought, I can’t remember which.  In high school she was the pretty one everyone wanted to date. She called me to catch up, she said.   She was complaining about her husband, how he wouldn’t let her talk on her cell phone when he was around her, he needed her undivided attention, he was like a kid; her friend had hung up on her during a political discussion, (Naomi loves Rush Limbaugh).  Her Laguna vacation house was under construction; she wouldn’t be able to spend weekends there with her three kids, husband and two of their four cars.  She asked me how much money Bill and I earned. She asked how large our home was and how much we bought it for.  She had a checklist.  She asked about our vacations, our boat, our cars and then “Well you guys can do whatever you want because you don’t have kids.” She said.  Spitting at me through the phone line..

In that piece I wrote about the assumptions people might make because Bill and I don’t have kids.  Like my Dad used to say to me, Assume makes and ass out of u and me.

I thought about getting a t-shirt.  The front would read, I DON’T HATE KIDS and on the back, JUST REPRODUCTIVELY CHALLENGED.

I choose to glide into this new chapter
with grace
why carry with me
the heaviness
that belongs to someone else?

It has nothing to do with me

That was then

Fabulous at 50

Fabulous at 50

And this is Fabulous

Happy Birthday

It’s my birthday. I’m 49. WOW.

I don’t know what this is ‘supposed’ to feel like, this age. I just know how I feel.

Time is so hard to pin down, determine, define.  Not to define in science, just in a living, breathing, human way.  How to wrap it all up and take it all in…

Time

Wraps around me,
a mist
old familiar scent
that I know
but can’t quite place
ethereal
adrift
in an ocean of
moments, minutes, heartbeats,
watery sepia shots
smiles
tears
joy
love
sadness
loss
Moment by moment
Minute by minute
Year by year
Breath by breath
Heartbeat by heartbeat
Cryptic and true
He delivers on his promises

I feel free. More and more free. Non-apologetic, grounded, happy. It hasn’t happened overnight, this feeling of just being. I have been ‘trying’ for many years, I don’t try anymore. I do, I create, I live, I AM.

I am being. My life is something I am living, not building, or planning, I am being in it, living and breathing in it, my life.  I AM in my life.  I have let it wash over me like the ocean. I dove into the cool water, blue and green and deep, my life.

Life
my ocean
powerful
benevolent
dark and brooding
bright and pleasing
calm and raging
invigorating
defiant
stimulating
choppy and calm

I leapt, soared, dove
Heart First
with a happy splash

Ever moving
Ever changing
Ever being in the moment

 

Happy Birthday to Me.  Happy Life to us all!

August 11, 2012

Our Wedding Cake, BUT the best cake ever!!!