My Breath (Dedicated to ‘the exercise’)

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Catch your breath, Katina says, her voice bellows above the music.

Catch my breath?

My breath lifts up, flies through the glass door, out over the cars in the lot, flows onto PCH, makes a right, then another, and heads off toward the beach.  I watch her, music trailing behind a kaleidoscope of color and sound swirling and circling up and down in and out behind her.

I imagine her swan dive off the Esplanade.  My breath flutters away, floating off to Hawaii or Fiji or somewhere out in the South Pacific.  Some exotic island where I might not be able to catch her.

Stretched out in the sand, bronzed golden with vacation and tropical umbrellas and sweet ice blended rum, white, pink, blue liquid chill that calms and cools and warms her body from the inside. The sun beaming down warming her from the outside.  The breeze lifts up off the water, tickles her toes and the bottom of her feet, moves up her calves, shins and settles in the well between her thighs.vacation to cayman 099

She has hung a sign. It dangles from my chest, gone fishing.  She’s sleeping in.  She’s strolling the beach.  She’s sarong wrapped, coconut oiled, topless, hammock napping, afternoon love making, wave lapping, sun set watching, dancing the night away.

Maybe my breath walks along the canals in Venice. In and out of bricked passage ways only she could fit through.

Maybe my breath sips hot chocolate in Paris and watches the women walk the streets, contemplating styles and fashion. She’s learning French. Uh oh, what if she’s taken up smoking?

Maybe my breath rides on the back of a donkey in Santorini, riding up to the Principal Town Fira. Sun shining, reflecting off white and blue and cobblestone and water.  Why come back?

santoriniWhat if she never comes back? My breath has left me here peddling, legs pushing, pulling, up down up down around and around and around up down around, my heart goes ba boom ba boom ba boom and the tick tock of the clock and the music pounds b aba ba boom b aba ba boom b aba ba boom and my ba boom and the b aba ba boom up down around and around and one two one two one two.

This is your recovery, Katina says.  The music plays on. I feel my chest push out, ribs expand, back fan, as my breath fills my lungs and I am happy that she’s come back to me.

and the sky glows orange

morning meditationthis morning
during my meditation
focusing on my centering thought
          Through rest and play, I open my creative channel
focusing on my Sanskrit mantra

Om Anandham Nama
My actions are blissfully free from attachment to outcome

focusing on my breath
focusing
letting the thoughts float in and out
not serving them tea
focusing on relaxing
ignoring what she said
focusing on my breath
ignoring what I said
focusing too much
ignoring each click tick tick of my brain
tick
should I be working this hard
focusing?
my actions aren’t always blissfully free from attachment to outcome
I’m plugged in
to the outcome
I’m plugged in
to how I’m getting me there
I’m plugged in
unconscious even
someone or something or both
have more of me then I’m willing to give

I need that back
that piece of me
I’ve given away to
her
them
the giggle
gaggle
of women men groups others
that piece I’ve given away
I’d like that back please

thank you

cloud flyIt’s time to
peel myself away

I open the door
The smell of cut grass and wet earth
washes over me
I bend
into myself
I flip outside
upside-down
into the day

I grab a tree branch
trapeze myself
somersault
up
to land
cordless on the lift of cloud

I look down

No line
No note
No tone
No chord

Just my song

Bye-bye
I sing
Bye-bye
Bye-bye

Sweet crazy swirling
velvet sky stretch me humble and whole

happy cartwheel slices
I am unrestrained, unbowdlerizedand the sky glows orange
gritty open soft
pulling sweet
coursing through my own arteries capillaries veins
streams of me
flowering creative flushing flows of me
whistling energy surging gushes of me
painting the sky
purple red blue pink green

Below
I catch
in the corner of my eye
a frayed line spark

and the sky glows
orange