“You’re a hot mess!” Rebekah said.
I was still catching my breath. My skin was hot and sticky. I was on my knees pushing into the pole, my arms stretched, tugging at my shoulders, gripping the metal above my head. It felt cool on my belly. My hair was wild, covering my face, a strand caught in my mouth. Rebekah was smiling; standing with her right knee bent, right foot resting on her left, leaning against the stereo console. She held my gold Nano, like a gift in her hand.
I could still feel the swell of my song, the sax, the drum brush, the heat of my music, strong and powerful, wrapping itself inside of me, moving down massaging my spine, circling its way around my hips, through my belly, inside my thighs and diffusing itself in my legs and out my red tipped toes.
I had just let go. I let my body take over. My head would fall to the right, stretch out and around to the left and pull back and down, my body side-stretching vertebra by vertebra snaking itself, following my head. I had to grab onto a wall, crawl on the floor or lean into one of the white overstuffed chairs for support as I danced. I let my body find her way as she slipped underneath the song and twisted through to her own pulse. She curved up and down and around poles, landing, back arched, chest forward onto the floor, on her back, writhing onto her belly and pausing, leg lifting into the air, bending back and pulling herself around to her back again. She melted into an oozing rainbow of red, ruffles, black patent leather, lace and skin. She painted me with splashes onto the wall, with swirls that dripped down the poles, with splatters that marked the chairs.
Now I’m part of a living memory, a history that’s grooved itself into the wood floor, part of the tradition of stripping down and diving into spirit.
I’ll come back in the New Year and sink into soft purple. When I reach my fingers in front of me, arms stretched, legs splayed open, pulling myself into the room, I’ll feel the pulse of my history as I trace my fingertips along the raised surface of tongue and groove boards. I’ll absorb the celebration of the women who’ve danced before and cheer for those that’ll come after. I’ll feel the pieces of broken shell and watch soft yolk ooze golden yellow. That glowing knowledge and love, freedom and truth decorate this room.
I broke free of my shell this year. I tossed it away piece by piece. I watched it burn as I flung it into my fire. I watched old memories, old ways and old cares spark orange and light the winter night sky.
I like that. I like that I’m a dancing, happy, free, inspired, chest open, heart forward, arms raised, gorgeous, strong, grateful, smiling, stripping down, layer-by-layer, hot mess. I like that I’m peeling into myself. I like that the deeper I go the messier and happier I get. Yeah. Rebekah’s right. I am a fucking HOT MESS.
I smiled. “That’s my new year’s resolution.” I said.
The song I danced to on December 31, 2012 was Christina Aguilera’s Nasty Naughty Boy. Happy New Year!